Musings from Ms. Write

I've been had

2006-12-21T12:06:00.000-05:00

Ya'll, I left work early so I could blog about this 'ish. I'm so mad I could spit! Doc called me earlier this morning to say we wouldn't be going out anymore. That's it. Nothing else. WTF?!?!?
I'm stunned! This came from left field. I would have never expected this from him. I guess I shouldn't have given him a pass on the B.S. though. I figured because he seemed to have himself together and he was about something that he'd be past the B.S. Guess not. Guess not.

Way too much news!!

2006-12-13T19:38:00.000-05:00

OMG!! I don't even know where to begin. Well, I'll try the beginning but I'm going to warn you, I might (read: will) get sidetracked. :-)

Let's start with my adorable little Christmas tree. It's fake, teehee, but it's beautiful! It's decorated in all red, which matches the red/black decor I've got going on in my front room. I've even got some old school cardinals on the tree. I remember growing up my parents had these red birds that went on our tree at home. I loved them so much, I went to look for some last year. I found them, for $3 a piece, and I bought 12. (That's all I could afford, with a 50% off coupon!) Anywho, there is not a single gift under that bad boy, but that's OK. It's my tree, it is in my apartment and I love it!! NEXT!

Now let's talk about me going back to school. You heard me folks, I'm going back to school for a Master's degree. An MBA to be exact. I'm sooooo excited. I never ever, ever, ever, ever thought I'd want to see the inside of a classroom again. Turns out I'm interested now. Go figure! I've got to take a calculus class next semester before I can apply for the MBA program that I want to take, so I'll be a college student again beginning Jan. 8. What you know about that? LMAO!! The job will pay for two classes a semester, six classes a year, so I figure it will take me three years to get the full degree at that rate. I've made peace with that because the job will be paying for the whole thing, so looking at it like that, three years doesn't sound so bad. You know? That's all about that! NEXT!

Moving on to Doc. We've been talking rather regularly and we now have some loose plans for New Year's Eve. We have no idea what we'll be doing, but I think we've pretty much decided we'll be doing it together. I really like this guy. I'm mean we have a lot in common and he seems to share my passion for doing something with your life. Not that Middle didn't (haven't heard that name in a while have ya?) but he had no idea where his life was going. He was too busy drowning his sorrows in a bottle to make any solid plans! Back to Doc, though. He's just finished his exams for the semester, so he's very happy about that. He'll be home next week and we've planned to get together before I leave for my Christmas vacation. I can't wait to see him. I really want to see him. It's kinda cool that he lives out of town -- but not too far away. If need be we could see each other in an hour and a half if we met half way between where he lives and where I live. I think it would take about three hours to get to his place or mine. That's not too bad, I don't think. Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing him next week before I go home for a week. Speaking of home.... now comes the drama! NEXT!!

OK, you might want to sit down for this one (just in case you've been reading standing up). How do you respond when a man you've never had sex with, a man you've know all your life, a man who's know you all your life, a man you've were once madly in love with... OK, I think you get the point. But how do you respond when that man calls you out of the blue to say he still loves you? Yep, that's what I said. When this happened I immediately thought three things: 1) I still love you too; 2) I'm glad I don't live in the same city as him and 3) Why couldn't this be Doc?!? It was so crazy ya'll! I've talked to him here and there, maybe a few times a month, over the years he's been married. Umm, yeah. I said married. The conversations have always, ok not always but most of the time, been totally respectable. Nobody had to hang up the phone and feel like they were going to Hell for adultery. Understand what I'm saying? LMAO! So when we talked yesterday, everything seemed normal. We talked about me going back to school and all, and he said he was happy for me. I didn't see any harm in that. He didn't say anything out of the way. HOWEVER, a few hours later he called me and here was the exchange, for the most part:

Phone: Ring, ring, ring.
Me: (I see the name on the Caller ID) Hey there! What's up?
Him: I just want to preface what I'm going to say by saying you haven't heard me say what I'm about to say in a long time.
Me: I'm nervous.
Him: I'm being serious.
Me: Me too!
Silence...
Me: Well... what is it?
Him: I realized today when we were talking that I still love you.
Me: Are you serious?!?
Him: Yes.
Me: No, really. Are you serious right now?!?!?
Him: Yes, I am.
Me: Wow. I don't know what to say to that. I mean, thank you, if that's what you say to something like that.

OK?!?!? So again, I ask you, how do you respond when a man you've never had sex with, a man you've know all your life, a man who's know you all your life, a man you've were once madly in love with? I'm not sure I handled it just right, but I can tell you I was glad about the developing relationship between me and Doc when he said that. Thanks to Doc, I'm not feeling unloved and weak and alone. I'm not reading too much into Old Flame because I've got Doc on the brain. I think that's the best thing I've got going for me right now. I will say this, though. It is nice to know that once upon a time, the man I loved, loved me back. You know what I mean?

That's all for now. Isn't that enough, though?

Peace and blessings!!

No news...

2006-12-03T22:01:00.000-05:00

So, nothing exciting has happened since my amazing date the week of Thanksgiving. I've talked to Doc, but we haven't made any plans for Christmas. Hopefully that will come as he makes plans to come back home.

I've got my company Christmas party coming up and I think I'll be going by myself. I think I'm OK with that, but the fact that I'm mentioning it here tells me I'm not as OK with it as I say I am. :-)

Anywho, I've put up my Christmas tree and I'm feeling a bit more in the Christmas spirit. I've had a hard time getting into it since it was 75 degrees last week! LOL!

More later.

Things are looking up!

2006-11-21T19:50:00.000-05:00

So I went on a date Sunday night.

A real honest to goodness date.

There was me. There was a man. There was dinner. There was desert. I guess you get the picture.

You guys have read about my on-line dating trials and tribulations. The drama! The horror!! Well, this one was certainly not a dud. He was a stud! :-) This guy, who I'll call Doc, is excellent date material. He was fun, engaging, attentive and he is very easy on the eyes. I'm optimistic about our budding friendship. I think this will be a fun new development for me.

I needed this lift in my life right through here. I was so down after a comedy of errors involving potential dates I really needed a success story. I got a little more than that, I think. I'm really making a friend. Doc and I have a lot in common. We are both serious about our careers and our churches. We both value our relationships with Christ and we can talk about our beliefs even though we were brought up in different religious denominations.

We can just talk about things and whether or not we agree with each other, we can still have a good conversation. We seem to enjoy being in each others company and that's a nice feeling too.

Our window of opportunity is small this time around. He lives out of town and he's here for Thanksgiving visiting his folks. He'll be leaving before I get back from seeing my folks, so we won't have much more time to visit before he goes back home. I'm pretty sure he'll come back for Christmas, and I can only hope he gets here before I leave for my vacation.

Well at any rate, wish us luck!!

Peace and blessings!

It wasn't supposed to be this long between posts....

2006-11-11T19:44:00.000-05:00

OK, so I said I was back last month and then I take almost a month before I post again. How much more flaky can I get? Well, here I am... again.

I've restarted my exercise regimen, as of today. I did well. I just have to make sure I keep it up at least three times a week.

The man situation hasn't changed at all. I'd almost venture to say it is getting worse. I guess guys are really keeping their distance because the holiday season is fast approaching. I guess things will pick up again after Valentine's Day. LOL!!

I'm beginning to think I'm too trusting. I've fallen for too many, "I look forward to meeting you," type lines during this on-line dating process. I think the think I don't like about the on-line world is you can't be sure if someone is telling you the truth or not. When I'm looking at people -- like directly in somebody's mouth -- I've got a pretty good idea if they are lying to me. On-line it's all a crap shoot. A guy, or a girl for that matter, can say anything and the person on the receiving end will never be the wiser. Well, I'm not gonna quit, but I am going to be a bit more cynical about things I think. Not in a negative way, but I won't get my hopes all up when a guy expresses interest in my profiles.

There is this really cool guy I've been talking to via Yahoo! IM for awhile. He's in grad school in another part of the state, but we have good conversations once or week or so. We generally talk about football, which is fine by me. It is nice to at least talk to a guy who is just interested in having conversation. You know?

Well, the evening game is about to come on, LSU vs Bama, so I'm gonna checkout. Big ups to my girl Kayla out there on the high seas!! Hey girl!

Peace and blessings!

It's a scary thought... I might be forced to date a White man.

2006-10-14T22:22:00.000-04:00

Where exactly are the non-creepy, single Black men with 0 to 2 kids, jobs and a positive image of themselves? Where are they? Outer-space? Where?

That's where I want to be. Right there, on that planet.

Can I get an "Amen!" from the choir, please?

Ok, that may or may not be the sermon that you are interested in, but it's the one I'm preaching about tonight. If you're wondering where I meet the dysfunctional guys I meet, most of them are online. Others I meet when I'm out and about, but the majority of them are online.

I'm big on meeting people online, but why, WHY, are a lot of the guys I meet so strange? From straight up liars and potential sex offenders to dudes who are ready to jump into a relationship and meet your parents after three days. (Note: Not three dates, three DAYS!!)

Many people frown upon the online dating scene, but it works for me because I'm not a "clubber." I've been to the library and didn't see anybody there I was interested in and I'm so "in the zone" at Church, I'm not looking. (I gotta praise the Lawd, I can't be looking for guys... LOL!)

So, here's where the White man comes in. I'm sitting at a bar on Friday talking to a girl I work with, who is White, and I'm she asks me if I'd ever date anyone from work. I say, "Yes, but there is no one at the office I'd want to date." What I really should have said is, "You know there are only 12 Black people in the office, and half of them are not attractive and/or married." Now when she asked me that I started thinking, theoretically of course, about what men really are available at work. All of the ones I could think of were White. Not necessarily unattractive, actually some are very attractive, but they are White. I'm one of those Black women who see Black men and White men. Period. A female friend of mine said, "Girl, at this point, I just see men." At that time, I said good for her but I couldn't see it that way. I think I'm beginning to see things differently.

Now the thing that keeps me on the Black side of the fence is the look I imagine on my Daddy's face when I stroll into his house with Vanilla Ice/Justin Timberlake on my arm. LOL!! I'm sure "slack-jawed" is an understatement for the expression that will take over his face.

Seriously, I'm really wondering if I'm going to have to date outside of my race. And I'm wondering if I'll have as big of a problem with it as I think I will. Well, I'm sure if the right White guy came along I wouldn't even realize at first, I don't know. Just in case you are wondering, yes, I did see Something New, and I liked it. I thought it had some valid points and that it was presented well.

Anyway, I'm gonna calm it down but I just had to get that off my chest. :-)

Peace and blessings all around!!

A promise kept...

2006-10-11T19:30:00.000-04:00

I've been promising a new Sister-friend of mine that I was going to start my blog again. I'm not going to call any names, but here I am Kayla!

I'm still single, but I've been out a time or two with a couple of guys I met on BP. Middle and I haven't spoken in a long time, and those of you who know the story of Middle and me will be glad to know we never got back together. Ever.

I'm still working on my weight loss project and it's going OK. It was going better before I started eating ice cream floats before bed. LOL!!

So this one's going to be short, but I promise to come back soon.

A step in the right direction

2006-06-19T22:15:00.000-04:00

So, for those of you who are just tuning in... I'm starting a new chapter in my life. I'm seeing a doctor who is helping me lose the weight I need to lose. I've committed in my mind to do it and now I've got to get my legs in the game.

Today I went to the doctor's office and got my new nutritional plan. It calls for me to eat more food more often. It's interesting how 6 ounces of beef sounds so small on paper, but in your hand it seems much larger. So I went to the store today after work and bought all of the food that I didn't have to make this venture a success.

I cooked tonight -- I call them little beef boats. I cut up the beef that I bought into the appropriate sized servings and cooked them in their own little marinade and seasoning. I made little foil packets so I could keep them separate and once I finished they looked like little boats. At least I thought they did.

Anyway, so I put a few in the fridge and the rest in the freezer for later in the week or even next week. I've got some chicken I can cook if I get tired of beef... but I'm not sure I'll ever be tired of beef.

For breakfast in the morning I'm supposed to eat a half bagel, with an ounce of fat free cream cheese, and a peach. I don't think I'm supposed to eat oatmeal with that, but there's some breakfast combination that includes a lot more than I usually eat for breakfast.

Beyond the food, my next big hurdle is exercising. My plan is to be up no later than 6 a.m. to walk a mile around my complex. Like I said, that's the plan. I'm aiming to start in the morning -- so wish me luck! I've got to do it at least three days a week. I originally thought I'd do Tuesday through Friday, but now that it's almost Tuesday, I'm thinking more like Wednesday through Saturday. :-)

I'll let you know what I decide.

That's all for now!

Back again for the first time...

2006-06-18T21:45:00.000-04:00

Hey everybody!

Well, I'm back from my "blogging vacation" and I've got soooooo much to say. (**smile**) Everything is still everything. I haven't heard a peep from Middle since like the first week of May, and I think I'm sorta OK with that. I really do wish he'd called to at least see how I'm doing, but it's probably best that it hasn't happened.

I've been spending some quality time with me here lately. I've rediscovered a few things about myself, and I've reevaluated the way I look at a couple of people. One of the first things I remembered about me is how lazy I can get when I'm not motivated. If I don't watch it, I'll lay around all day and all night and not do a thing. That's bad. I've got to get moving. I've switched doctors and I'm going to one now where he's helping me shed my extra weight. If I'm honest with myself, I need to loose a good 80 pounds... or more. (**smile**)

That brings me to the next realization... I don't hate Mo'Nique. I thought I did, y'all. It was horrible the way I used to turn my nose up when somebody mentioned her. It's not her size that made me mad, but it was the way she carried herself. I always felt like she was extra loud and plain old ghetto -- which still may be true -- but I see her differently now. Being one of the "Big Girls," I'd always cringe when I saw her because she was usually wearing something I thought was TOTALLY inappropriate. (Who am I? The fashion police??) The offending outfit was often an extremely bright color and tight as hell. That troubled me so much I wasn't able to look past the self-proclaimed fashion offenses to see the spirit of the woman who wore the clothes. I read an article in an issue of Essence (I have no idea what month or who was on the cover...) where Jill Scott interviewed Mo'Nique and I was able to read those words and hear the woman who said them. She's an interesting and accomplished lady. I'll remember that now, no matter what she's wearing.

So, back to me... I'm laying low on the man front. Right now, my focus is me and my weight. That will likely be the topic of discussion for awhile. Doc wants me to loose 30 pounds in the next six weeks, so I've gotta get moving! I'm actually excited about my new adventure. I've lost some weight before, so I know I can do it... I just gotta get off my rear end and move something.

That's all for now... there will be more later!

Peace and blessings!!

I'm still here!

2006-05-19T08:42:00.000-04:00

Hey there, y'all! Just wanted to you to know -- in case you were wondering -- I'm doing fine. I'm at a conference for work and I just haven't had time to blog. I'm not in a funk, I'm just working. :-) When I get back in town, I'll sit down and do a full update for those of you who want to know what's really going on.

Peace and blessings!!

What a difference a few days make

2006-05-10T21:00:00.000-04:00

This is just a brief update, but it is officially over between me and Middle.

I can't believe it.

He says he wants to be friends, I said I'll think about it. I don't know if I've got anything left to give him. I gave him my friendship and I feel like he threw it back in my face. I just don't know.

Thanks for all of the encouraging words and offers to hang out. I'll be accepting those hang out offers soon! :-)

I've gotta find the strength to move on

2006-05-04T18:39:00.000-04:00

I feel so crappy.

I feel so alone. Physically, I mean.

When I first moved to the 757, I didn't have anyone I knew that I could hang out with. I met some folks on line, via BlackPlanet, but many of the guys were looking for booty calls. I didn't feel like I connected with anybody, like anybody understood me, until I met Middle.

I guess I put all of my eggs in one basket, so to speak. During the six months I went out with Middle I didn't go out with any guys. I really didn't even talk to other guys that much. I just felt like Middle understood where I was coming from. I only wanted to be with him. I think it was my excitement and enthusiasm that killed the relationship. Now that the relationship -- including the friendship -- appears to really be dead, I've got to put myself back out there and meet more new people.

See back in the day, long before I met Middle, I was in a series of physically and mentally abusive relationships. There were three of them. They didn't know each other (yes I'm sure of it :-)), but they sure acted the same. I was stuck in a rut and picking the same type of man. He would spend a little money on me, tell me nice things and then after a couple of weeks of that, he'd tell me he didn't owe me anything and that I wasn't really "his type." All the while, I'd believe all of the hogwash they were serving, not knowing all they said were lies.

When I met Middle, he was nothing like those guys. From physical appearance to profession, I was sure I was out of the woods. He didn't spend a lot of money, no flowers at work, no little gifts at home... I thought this was surely going to turn out differently. Unfortunately it didn't. Really it ended up the same, me with my feelings hurt and him seeming not to care.

Now I've got MAJOR trust issues when it comes to guys and their level of interest in me. I know I've got to get over this, but this new blow has truly opened up new wounds that I thought had healed.

I need to vent, y'all...

2006-05-01T19:34:00.000-04:00

So, here's what happened.

I went out of town for a few days. Before I left, maybe a week or so before, I told Middle that I'd been feeling lonely. I'd told him that I'd been feeling a little disconnected from the people I care about and the people who care about me.

MY TRANSLATION: "I want to feel wanted!"

Anyway, so I'd hoped he'd understand I needed him to step up and do a little extra phone calling and whatnot, but the translation didn't turn out to be the same for him.

HIS TRANSLATION: ... (in other words, it didn't translate.)

We went to brunch (yeah, I said brunch... I'm being ghetto fab!!) on Tuesday after he got out of class and we talked a little. Not much, though. I've been feeling like I'm still giving Middle too much, so I'm still trying to back off a little but I feel every time I pull back so does he... but I digress. So, when I talked to him Tuesday night, he said he wanted to try to hook up with me before I left. I thought it sounded OK, so I told him that would be cool.

I talked to him late Wednesday afternoon three times, and told him I wanted to talk to him and to be sure to call me back. He said he would. If you read the previous two posts, you already know he didn't. My feelings were so hurt. Not so much because he didn't call back, but because I had something very special to give him.

Wednesday was our six month "anniversary." On March 26th, we'd known each other exactly six months. I'd bought him this card -- a really nice card -- and wrote a really personal inside. I wanted to give it to him on Wednesday, but like I said, he didn't call.

So he finally called today -- Monday of the following week -- and didn't apologize for not calling the week before. In fact, he said he didn't feel like he owed me an explanation. My feelings were then crushed. The initial phone call didn't last much longer. He said he was confused about what I wanted from him... (an apology, duh?) and I said I realized he didn't understand, and that I had to go. I hung up.

He called back about five minutes later and said he was sorry if he'd hurt my feelings "or whatever." For me, that conversation didn't go much better. He was really blindly apologizing, and I quickly realized that was all I was going to get and took it for what it was. He said he didn't want any "bad blood" between us... (who talks to their 'special' man/woman friends like that?!?!) and I lost total interest in the rest of the conversation. My heart was breaking. I thought I'd found a man I could love, but all I got was someone who doesn't want any "bad blood."

A lot can happen in a few days. I went from feeling totally optimistic about our relationship to feeling totally unwanted. He has called some of my feelings selfish -- like me expecting that he'll find the time in a day to call me back -- and he's also said what I want is unreasonable, see the aforementioned example. That hurts, but maybe it is true. Maybe I'm being selfish by wanting to be with him so much. I guess I just want too much, especially where he's concerned.

Not only do I want too much, but I'm beginning to think I've given him way too much. It all started when I got excited about him liking my cooking. I finally had somebody else to cook for. Somebody to help turn this quiet apartment into a vibrant place. He did that for me, and all I had to do was cook and clean to make it happen. All I had to do was buy the groceries. All I had to do was make sure he had a place to visit.

I was ready to introduce him to the family, y'all. I was ready to wait for him to get himself together, whatever that means. I was willing to wait until he got out of school -- at least 18 months -- for us to be "really serious" by his definition. I was ready to love him -- and did love him -- despite his shortcomings, despite the obvious differences in our beliefs and thought processes. I thought one day I'd understand where he was coming from and maybe on that day, when I understood, I'd be more like the person he wanted me to be.

Yeah, I see it now. I did way too much.

What I wrote on the inside of the "anniversary" card -- which is all about friendship -- I wanted to give him, was so full of hope. Now I'm just frightened. Frightened that this is really who he is, a cold and nonchalant person. A person who doesn't owe anybody an explanation, not even his friends. Damn, this shit hurts. I guess I'm in deeper than I'm willing to admit.

Thanks to all of you who've been reading silently and especially to those of you who've been leaving comments. Keep praying, y'all. I need it.

There's nothing new under the sun...

2006-04-30T20:00:00.000-04:00

This is like a vicious ferris wheel that just won't stop.

I'm now beginning to think I can't be "just friends" with Middle, although we've never been anything more. I really care about him, but he's making me regret it that I do. I'm mentally exhausted because I'm still trying to be his friend but I'm starting to feel like he doesn't want to be friends.

His latest stunt, or series of stunts should I say, is that he doesn't do what he said he'd do. Things as simple as picking up the phone, he just doesn't do when he says he will. How can I trust you with something as important as my feelings when I can't trust you to call when you said you would.

I love this man but I can't go on like this. Well, I say I love him, but I also heard that if you love somebody, nothing can keep you from them. Well, he's making me retreat, so maybe I don't love him after all.

I'm so tired, y'all. I hope somebody's still praying out there...

It's like riding a rollercoaster

2006-04-22T19:39:00.000-04:00

Ya'll, I just don't know what I'm going to do about Middle.

He hasn't gotten any help yet, and he's telling me he needs time. What he doesn't seem to understand is that things aren't getting any better and the longer he waits the worse things will get.

I do still have feelings for him, but they are getting weaker by the day. He's beginning to seriously frustrate me. Seriously.

I'm not quite sure what to say...

2006-04-15T16:19:00.000-04:00

I've got a little problem, y'all.

Well, I guess it's really not a "little" problem.

The thing is, I've still got feelings for Middle that I didn't really know were still there. I'm not sure where I thought they went, but they are definitely still there. How do I know? Well, this week for instance, he didn't call me when he said he would. I had something I really wanted to talk to him about, so after several hours I finally called him. Come to find out he was asleep and had basically forgotten that he'd said he'd call. I was so distraught over this missed call -- and the fact that he didn't call the next day, like he said he would -- that I decided to visit my brother and sister-in-law in Wisconsin so I wouldn't be at home all weekend.

Why did his oversight mess me up so much? Why did I feel so disconnected from him?

Wait.

QUESTION TO SELF: Aren't I supposed to feel somewhat disconnected from him?

AAAAAHHHHHH!! (screaming in frustration)

I guess I should pipe down before "Becky" and "Peter," my brother's neighbors, figure out there are black people living in the subdivision.... I digress.

So, over the past couple of days I've basically been going through Middle withdrawal. I've wanted to see him, be with him and/or talk to him more often than usual. I have no idea what all of that is about.

I don't know what is going on with me.

More later....

Keeping my feelings in check

2006-04-11T21:48:00.000-04:00

Today I almost fell in love with Middle all over again.

Damn! Damn! Damn!

We went to breakfast after he got out of class. We went to this little joint not far from my office and not far from campus. We get there and he tells me about the progress he's making, which honestly at this point isn't much. Right now he's focusing on the last few weeks of school. He thinks he's got all As this semester. I'm proud of him for that. He tells me that once he gets out of school he'll work on the therapy thing.

Anyway, so we were talking and he was just so... so... perfect looking. I can tell he wants to improve his life and I can tell that he's working so hard, and it was all so attractive to me at that moment... and for several moments thereafter!!

He's just so... so... georgeous and I've been so lonely lately... I was weak y'all!! I was so weak in the knees I could hardly speak! (I had an SWV moment there, sorry)

So I spent the whole day trying to remind myself that we're not as together as we once were so he could get himself together. I spent the day trying to remember that I chose this role for myself.

Damn! Damn! Damn!

Wading in the water

2006-04-09T19:11:00.000-04:00

So, things are still going OK. Nothing major has changed, as far as I know.

The last time I spoke to y'all, I was hoping Middle would make an appointment to see a therapist soon. As of Thursday, that hadn't happened. But that's OK, I tell myself. I tell myself even if he never makes the appointment, I've done my duty.

I told a fellow blogger Danielle that I feel like I'm making my life better because I'm trying to help someone else. I suggested she might want to do the same -- help somebody else because it might make her life easier.

That's really why I'm helping Middle. I expect we'll continue to be friends and we'll probably go out from time to time, but I don't have any delusions of us getting together in a romantic sort of way. I think we're finally in that "safe space" where we can talk like friends, where we understand each other like friends.

Middle tells me he is going to go through with the therapy thing, but I'm waiting with cautious anticipation.

I'll let you know what happens with that.

As for me, the dating scene is fairly depressing. The only guys I'm running into are more interested in sex than going out. So it's safe to say I haven't been out much. I will say I'm glad they were up front about their intentions, 'cause I'd hate for them to be disappointed after a few weeks. You know?

Anyway, I'll keep an eye, and an ear out for something positive.

Peace and blessings!

Taking baby steps

2006-03-29T21:53:00.000-05:00

Prayer is working wonders, y'all!

Middle seems to be excited about his future. He's interested in moving to the next stage of his life. I'm so excited for him! Keep praying! Keep praying!

As for me, I went out with a guy I'd gone out with waaaayyyy back when I moved to Hampton Roads. The outing was nice, but he still seems to be all about the booty. That's why I stopped going out with him the first time. That's why I probably won't go out with him again. :-)

I'd forgotten how funny guys could be, and I don't mean ha-ha funny. I mean this dude sat there and told me that, hold on how'd he put it? Oh, yeah, he said, "denying yourself sex ain't gonna make you feel any better." That was his response when I said I'm not having sex right now 'cause I have some things I want to work on. That's what he said when I told him I was trying to "live right." Like I said, I'd forgotten how funny dudes can be. ;-)

So, that will likely be the end of him. Tee hee... tee hee... God bless Middle for not pressing me on that!

Like I said earlier y'all, keep praying for Middle. He's gonna need more strength to get through the tough times ahead. Also keep me in your prayers, too. I'm gonna need more strength too!

Finding my way and my place

2006-03-27T20:58:00.000-05:00

Well church, it's been a rough few days. Not talking to Middle has had its moments.

At times I've been relieved that he's not been around and other times I've been a little sad that I didn't feel comfortable calling him up. I knew not talking to him for awhile was for the best, though. My safety comes first, no question about it.

Yeah saints, I was worried about my safety for a minute there. No, he didn't put his hands on me or raise a hand to me. It was the tone of his voice over the phone that told me there could be danger ahead. See, Mama Write is a social worker and family counselor. She's been counseling women for years on domestic abuse and I've heard her time and time again tell women -- and men for that matter -- about the warning signs of abuse. I never really thought I'd need the info, but it's funny how you remember stuff when it applies. Ya' know?

Anyway, part of the problem in some of these situations was nobody but Mama Write understood that these folks needed some professional help. This wasn't something they could fix on their own. I heard it all and stored it away, not thinking there'd be a day when I'd need it myself. I expected I'd end up sharing the info with a sistagirl who didn't have somebody like Mama Write to talk to them.

Well, my day came on Thursday, March 23. That day I needed that info for me. I heard something that made me stop in my tracks. Not because it was so vile, although some of it was extremely uncalled for, but because I'd heard it before. I'd heard it vaguely in the stories others had told Mama Write. I'd heard these same beginnings and I knew what all of this meant. Middle needed help. The kind of help I couldn't provide. He needed a professional.

When I figured this out I anguished about how I was going to tell him I knew what he'd been trying to hide. How would I tell him I knew his problems, what ever they turned out to be, were too much for him to handle? I didn't want to make him mad or give him a reason to hate me -- oh, wait. "That's what they say," I remember Mama Write saying to me. "They say they didn't want to make him mad, but then it gets worse," she told me another time.

I was not willing to let this get worse. I was determined to let this phone episode go any further. I was determined to not have this happen again. To that end, I told him today that we wouldn't go out anymore until he got some professional help.

WHEW!!

I expected him to blow up and be pissed. I expected him to challenge me and ask me if I didn't have problems too, but none of that happened. He looked at me and told me I was right.

WHEW!!!

I was still glad I picked a very public and secure place to talk to him, but I was even happier that he wanted the help. He apologized for his previous behavior and said he knew that wasn't enough, but I did acknowledge it as a start. We talked about why he doesn't handle stressful situations better. We talked about how he'd like to be different. We talked about what kind of results he should expect.

I decided over the past few days that I had to say what I said. And along with that, I realized that when I said it, that just might be the end of our friendship. I also knew that if he got the help, it could be the beginning of an even stronger friendship. We may never be romantically involved again, but after today I feel like we are truly friends. I feel like he took a big step toward healing today by publicly admitting he needs help.

I'll continue to look for other dating opportunities, but I will also be a friend to Middle because he's going to need a friend more than ever if he goes through with this counseling.

For those of you who are praying saints, pray for Middle y'all. He's gonna need strength. Pray for me. I'm gonna need strength. Pray for whomever the therapist will be, 'cause they're definitely gonna need strength!! :-)

That's all for this prayer meetin'... don't forget to put your collection in the plate on your way out. Brother Minister of Music, would you give us some traveling music, please? (Thank you, Lord! plays as the congregation files out of the auditorium...)

A soap opera fa' real...

2006-03-23T21:02:00.000-05:00

Y'all this man done gone an plum lost his mind.

I can't even put into words the madness that came out of his mouth, but I can tell you it will be a minute before I take one of his calls again.

Here's what's about to happen church. Y'all 'bout to see some new names up in heah... up in heah. (I couldn't resist!) Y'all are 'bout to witness a sitah put herself back on the market and find happiness. THAT'S what's about to happen up in heah... up in heah!

Ms. Write, out!

Today was a good day...

2006-03-16T20:21:00.000-05:00

OK, that's a lie, but I was thinking about Cube for a moment, for some unknown reason, and I just stuck that up there as the title for this blog.

Today was not a good day in the soap opera entitled Middle & Me. Yesterday wasn't that hot either. Well, let me take that back. YesterDAY was fine. Hard day at work, but that's generally to be expected. It was last night that set all of the latest drama in motion.

Last night Middle and I were supposed to be celebrating. It was for his birthday and all. I had to work late, but I still wanted to treat "my man" to a nice dinner. I had him meet me at the spot. Bad idea, I later found out. Here's the set up: On Monday I told him I wanted to take him out for his birthday. He said he'd like that. On Tuesday we confirmed that. All was good. Earlier Wednesday, I called him to make sure everything was still good, and he said it was. When I told him I'd be a little late, he said, "Cool, I'll be waiting at the bar." I instantly said, "No, not at the bar, please."

I didn't want a drunk on my hands, and I know Middle doesn't always know when to put the glass down. (He doesn't agree with that statement, but more on that is coming later in the post.) I told him I wouldn't be paying for any alcohol that night, and his response was, "That's cool, I can pay for my own drinks." "That's not the point," I replied. "No alcohol tonight, please?" "You don't want me to drink?" he asked. "No, I really don't," I said. "Well, OK, I'll see you there," he said.

Now I wanted that to mean, "OK, I won't drink," but I knew better. I figured he'd still get there plenty early enough to have a beer or two, and I had decided that would just have to be OK with me, because I figured that's how it was going to be. Well, true to form, when I got there he was perched at the bar, but it wasn't beer he was drinking. He eventually told me it was something called Chivas. I don't even know if I spelled that right, but what I do know was he had three servings of this stuff on an empty stomach and he was not acting like the man I wanted to spend the evening with. I was pissed.

Did I tell you I was pissed? I don't want to forget to mention I was pissed. :-) There were several things that told me there was a good chance the night would not go the way I'd planned it in my head. One was the dumb ass laugh that escaped his mouth when I walked in and saw him at the bar. He thought this shit was funny. I thought I'd give him a moment to recover, and I thought that maybe I'd walked in when the guy sitting next to him told a great joke or something... but I think we all know that wasn't the case. I went outside to the car, A) to get some air and B) to get the birthday card I left on the front seat. I thought surely when I returned, he would have removed himself from the bar and be waiting for me at the hostess station. Well, you probably guessed that didn't happen either.

I came back in and he was still at the bar. I had to stand there for a minute and look at him before he took his wallet out to pay his tab. The hostess came over and said, "Seat for one?" and I looked at her -- with sad eyes, of course -- and said, "No, I'm with him," as he finally removed his ass from the bar stool. She looked at me and said, "Oh, I see," in a way that let me know that even SHE knew he'd had too much to drink. I was so embarrassed.

He knew I was mad, but I tried to play it off because I was hungry and I really like the food at this spot. He kept acting silly, just that dumb ass drunk silly. I gave him the card, which was a very emotion filled card, and he basically made fun of it by reading the first part of it aloud it in a "voice." It really wasn't that type of card. Really it wasn't. That card was supposed to set the mood for the rest of the night. It was supposed to outline my feelings and then I was supposed to come back and reinforce those words with hugs and kisses, but that never happened.

I couldn't believe this was happening, then again I could. This is exactly why I asked him not to drink. I had plans for the night, y'all. Not devious sexual plans. Really, that wasn't part of the plan. But I did want to be held. I wanted him to tell me stories about his favorite childhood memories once we got back to my place. I wanted to lay on the couch with my head in his lap and laugh at his stories and generally enjoy his company. I couldn't get passed the smell of the Chivas on his breath and on his person. I just didn't want to go through with the rest of my plans anymore. I just wanted him to go away.

He did follow me back to my place so I could give him his gift, and then he left. This ain't a bad thing y'all, cause it's what I wanted. I didn't ask him to leave, but I think he knew part of me didn't really want him there anymore.Back to these plans, though. I had planned for him to stay at my crib. The guest room was all ready. YES, I said the guest room. That's how we're living 'round here right now. (tee hee... yeah, 'right now'... tee hee) I had planned to my this big breakfast for him, but I just didn't have it in me any more.

So, after he left I tried to sleep, but it didn't really come easy. I woke up OK Thursday morning OK, until I remembered why my alarm woke me up so early. I was supposed to be hooking up a serious breakfast, but instead I was alone in my slightly chilly apartment. I was mad all over again.

I saw him later in the day and I still had the attitude. I admit, I was still slightly ticked that my morning wasn't as good as it could have been. I blamed him. He seemed to take a 'tude with me, so I was left a bit confused. He called me after that and kept asking me what the problem was and so I told him. I unloaded a lot of what I just told y'all. I basically told him that I didn't want to be with him last night because he decided to drink so much.

He sees that attitude as "selfish" on my part. He says I should have let him celebrate the way he wanted to and that I'm "making a big deal out of nothing." He said he didn't stop me from doing the other things I'd planned and that I was wrong for "punishing" him by not going through with my plans. He also said I should have let this go Wednesday night and that it was wrong of me to bring it over into Thursday. He said I should just, "let it pass."

I listened to this man in awe. I couldn't believe he was saying this, but then again I could. There are times he thinks he doesn't have a drinking problem.

Now, I'm not expecting anybody out here to take my side, but I do want SOMEBODY out there to tell me what the hell this man it talking about. How is it selfish of me to want an evening I'm paying for to go the way I want it to go? Was it selfish of me to not go through with the rest of my plans? Should I just let this pass? I want to know what others think... I'm listening!

Middle ground

2006-03-12T19:44:00.000-05:00

A hearty thanks to those of you who have offered me advice and offered your thoughts over the past few weeks.

Tonight, I stop by to report that there has been a break in the storm. :-) Middle and I are still "together" but some adjustments have been made. Last week I discovered some very interesting things about myself. I also got some ideas about the differences between the two of us and how to work through them.

The main thing I came to is we are different, we will always be different but our differences don't have to separate us. One of the main differences that we have, and I've talked about this before, is he moves a whole lot slower than I do. I called it procrastination. I'm not taking that back, but I think I understand a little more about why he act the way he does. Middle is an artist. I am a writer. While they are both "creative" type professions, we approach our work in totally different ways.

Me? I find my subject, write about it, get it published and move on. Sometimes this can happen more than once a day and it definitely happens several times a week. Most of the work I do doesn't take weeks or even months. The same can't be said for Middle.

I remember once he told me it was going to take four or five weeks to finish. I asked why it would take so long, because to me that was a long time to work on one project. He said this particular project, like many he does, had to be done it stages. He had to paint one section and wait for it to dry before he could begin to work on the next part. I couldn't really understand that. What I also didn't understand is that this is also the way he lives his life.

I choose to believe that Middle saw me as a blank canvas when we met. I think it took him awhile to decide if he wanted to use the canvas. Once he decided he did want to create something on the canvas, he had to decide what medium he would use. Chalk? Charcoal? Acrylic? Oil? Pencil? Watercolors? What would he use?

See how this works?

So, now that he's decided that he wants to create and he's decided what medium to use, now he's got to decide what to put on the canvas. Yeah, it seems like a whole lot to go through, but when the outcome is a priceless masterpiece, it all seems worth it. You know?

So, now that I understand this about him, I've taken a new approach to our relationship. I've told him that I still want to be with him, but while he's still figuring out some things I wouldn't be held hostage by a relationship that doesn't really exist. I told him if other guys asked me out that I might consider going. I also told him I expect him to ask me out too. He didn't really like it, but he understood that until he came to me with something a little more concrete, that's the way it is going to be.

So, that's how things are right now and so far it is working out. I'll let you know how this week goes. :-)

A change is gonna come

2006-03-06T20:14:00.000-05:00

Folks, how do you deal with a procrastinator? I've discovered Middle is a MAJOR procrastinator, and I can't handle it. That, essentially, is what is holding up our relationship.

He wants to see things from every possible angle before he makes a decision on something. While that is usually commendable, in this case it is pure unreasonable, in my opinion. We've been together for four months now and I haven't gone out with anybody else. As far as I know he hasn't gone out with anybody else. We've spent more days together than apart, but he still can't decide what he wants to do, as far as we are concerned.

I've decided I want to go out with him but I don't want to sit around and wait on him to get to where I am. The truth is, he may never get to where I am, as far as feeling the same way. I don't know if I'm just rambling or what, but what I do know is I love a man who doesn't love me back. I also know if I stay in this relationship I'll be doing myself a disservice.

I've got to wait for someone who has a spontaneous spirit like I do. Someone who will do something crazy (yet safe) just to see me smile, or to catch me off guard. You know? Someone who will take a chance on me and not analyze the hell out of the situation. Somebody who's not so focused on what they don't want, won't do and don't like. Somebody who wants to know what I want every now and then.

Ultimately, I want somebody who wants to fall in love, or at least flop into it, even if they've had a jacked up past. Somebody who doesn't want to be a victim anymore, even if they have been victimized. Somebody who will remember I'm not the woman who broke his heart, but I could be the one to put it back together.

If Middle would stop sitting on his ass, playing the role of the wounded victim I could help his heart heal, but I just don't think he's there yet. (OK, I guess I'm a little pissed... smile!) If he would get it out of his thick head that there is a certain amount of time that has to pass before people know enough about each other to know that they are in love, or that a certain amount of time has to pass before ANYTHING can happen. Love can be instantaneous. Love is instantaneous. It's everything else that takes work.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm more willing to put in the work that will feed and nourish the relationship if I know how you feel about me first. I'm less inclined to put all my 'ish on the table and hope you decide to love me.

I'm gonna bring this to a close now, before I really get going...

Does ANYBODY understand what I'm saying? ANYBODY?!?!?

The full-court press...

2006-03-04T21:23:00.000-05:00

Y'all, something really strange has happened. Somebody else has expressed interest in spending time -- a considerable amount of time -- with yours truly. And when I say "expressed" I do mean he's let me know in no uncertain terms that he wants to hang out and get to know a sista.

Now before you say anything, the first thing I told him was that I was already seeing somebody. I told him that off the jump. He then did one of my old moves, he looked at me and said, "But are you happy?" HELL TO THA NAW!! He didn't just use my line on me, did he? The reality of the situation is, yes, he did. Before I could really think about it, I told him I was happy, but that made me really think about whether I am happy or not.

Am I happy? Well, the answer is yes and no. I love Middle. I mean love him like a woman loves a man. The trouble is I'm pretty sure those feelings aren't the same on his side of the street.

I've not divulged much about him because I think that's for him to do, but I will say -- and I think I've said before -- that he went through a fairly nasty engagement breakup awhile back. I'm sure he's still quite gunshy of the "L" word, and I'm not sure he's ready to love a woman again. It is odd for me to read that and know that I typed it, but it is what I feel.

Do I think he's misled me? No, absolutely not. But his lack of response to me and my feelings is what make the full-court press of Other Dude so tempting. Ya'll know what the full-court press is, right? It's that pressure that somebody puts on you, trying to back you into a corner so you'll eventually do what they want. He's trying hard, but I'm not moving my feet. Not yet, anyway.

What makes his talk so good, is he's saying he wants to do the same stuff that I want to do, except I want to do it with Middle. Other Dude doesn't know what's going on with me and Middle -- and I plan to keep it that way -- but he sure does call for updates every now and then. "I just wanted to check your availability," he says to me. "Still unavailable," I reply.

Damn you Middle. No, scratch that. First damn the woman that did this to Middle. Then damn Middle for wallowing in this misery and not seeing me for the woman that I am. Damn him for not allowing me to really help his heart heal. Damn him for not accepting the love that I have in my heart for him.

I love him like I have only loved one other man. I had almost forgotten that kind of love and I didn't know I still had it in me. That kind of love take a lot out of a woman, and if it isn't returned in a timely fashion is will die. I know it will, because it has happened before. How did I get into this shit again?

The more that I think about this I can't damn Middle or the woman who caused him to develop his hard heart. I can only point my finger at the real source of all of this. That would be me.

Damn me.

The things we hold important

2006-02-26T19:23:00.000-05:00

My relationship with Middle has really made me think about the things that are important to me in a relationship. I've always heard that relationships require give and take, and I now find myself wondering what I can give and what to take.

Lucky for me, Middle hasn't asked me to change anything about myself or make any alterations to my lifestyle. While there are things that he does that I don't do and vice versa, we haven't had any problems there.

We're just ordinary people...

2006-02-21T20:03:00.000-05:00

When John Le.gend wrote "Ordinary P.eople," he had a moment of genius.

That song could have saved me so much pain and strife, had I not only listened to the lyrics but acted on them as well. Take it sloooow, is what John told us. The only thing he didn't tell us was how to do that.

I'm learning more about slowing down the progress of a relationship. People will say, "Let the relationship develop naturally," but even sometimes that is too fast for the people involved. You don't think so? Well, consider leaving strawberries on a vine. You want them to ripen naturally, but there's a heat wave and they spoil before you can eat them. I think relationships can suffer the same fate. The fermentation process can be accelerated by something out of your control.'

The only thing you can do is pull the fruit early and hope for the best. Sometimes the natural way isn't the best way. I don't know if you agree or not, but that's just my opinion.

Frustration is setting in

2006-02-18T10:35:00.000-05:00

Oh, boy.

I'd forgotten how painful falling in love could be.

It's not a "free-fall" really, but it is more like falling through a deep cavern, where there are things that will scratch, scrape and cut you as you fall. You can't avoid them, you can only hope the objects don't cut too deep and you don't loose too much blood.

My relationship with Middle has become more of a mental journey than anything else. The problem is, my psyche is taking hits from all sides during this fall, and some of those blows are coming from Middle.

He says things about himself that he thinks are funny, but I don't. I've repeatedly asked him to stop, but he thinks I'm playing. There's so much going on in my head right now, that I feel like I'm about to snap.

I really want to be with him. When I am with him I don't feel the pain of the cuts and bruises I've suffered over the past several months. When I am with him, I don't feel the sting of the alcohol that a couple of people are intentionally pouring on my wounds. They do this to me because they think it will hurt me and cause me to give in to them. What they may not realize is, if I can keep focused, the alcohol will help me heal and keep infection away. I've just got to bear the pain a little while longer.

A little while longer.

Pray for me.

The fragile heart

2006-02-04T20:54:00.000-05:00

I can't say I knew the male heart could be so delicate. I knew the male ego was as strong as a Waterford crystal vase, but I didn't know the heart could be so... so... well, you get it.

Middle and I had a true heart-to-heart a couple of days ago. That's kind of why I haven't posted in awhile. I didn't know what was going to happen and how things were going to pan out. Well, things got pretty intense, but we are still together.

Things got kinda funny between us one night when I was in a strange mood. I wanted to be held but I didn't want to have to explain that. I knew it would have been so much easier to just tell him what I wanted, but I just didn't feel like talking. I thought that if I just sat on his lap and hugged him, he'd get the picture. Well, that's not exactly what happened.

The end result was not what I wanted, and I left for work the next morning with him saying the following to me: "We need to talk about us." That's never a good sign. The "talk" came later that evening and it wasn't all pretty.

What I haven't explained before, and I really won't get into now, is that Middle used to be engaged. It was somewhere around 16 months ago when his last relationship ended and it didn't end the way you'd want to end a long-term relationship. Long story short, he was angry and hurt by the situation and then we happened to meet in October 2005, before he was totally "healed."

So, the deal was, Middle didn't want to be in a relationship, especially a committed one. He was still struggling with some internal issues, which I totally understood, but what he didn't realize was we were pretty much exclusive. We'd been going out fairly steadily for more than three months but the time this conversation came along, and I was under the impression he understood what was going on between us. I found out he understood what was happening, but he just didn't want it to be happening.

He ended up telling me that he just didn't want to go through anything that would lead to another painful, and potentially dramatic, break-up. I understood that too, but I told him it wasn't fair to penalize me for somebody else's mistakes. I told him that just because somebody else hurt him that it didn't mean I would. He heard me, but he didn't hear me, you know?

He said that maybe the best thing for him to do was "detach" himself from the relationship for awhile. What he didn't know was I wasn't going to stop him. I wasn't going to do that thing I used to do and beg him to stay. I knew I loved him, and I knew I wanted to be with him, but I wasn't going to try to convince him to change his mind. He needed to want to be with me on his own. He needed to want me without me telling him how much I wanted him.

He said he wanted to have to option to date other women and he just wasn't ready to be exclusive. I basically told him he could go out with as many women as he wanted because I wouldn't be around to be in his way. I told him I wanted a different kind of relationship from him, one that was all or nothing and I wanted the same from him. I told him if he couldn't give me that, then he should leave.

He said I was backing him into a corner, and maybe I was, but I was serious about what I wanted and didn't want. I knew I wanted to be with him, and I definitely knew I didn't want to share him with anybody else.

That portion of the conversation ended with him saying he was just going to "go away" for awhile, and I said OK. A couple of hours later, he was still in my apartment. I asked him what he was going to do about sleeping arrangements that night. Part two began.

At least that part was shorter than the first, but I just wanted him to understand that I was serious and I wasn't going to do the "cake and eat it too" thing. If he wanted to be with me then he needed to make up his mind and be with me.

He ended up staying, mostly because I really didn't want to be without him, I just didn't want to say it. But when we went to be, he wanted to be all close and stuff. WTF!? Did he really think I was going to change my mind that easily?!? In the words of the infamous Whitney, "Hell to the naw!"

He was scheduled to be in town another night, so I took that opportunity to ask him where he was going to stay the next night. This sparked off part three of the conversation. I had to repeat what I said earlier about either being in the relationship or not. He didn't like it, but I didn't really care. I was determined to sand my ground. I was not going to give in. And I didn't.

I eventually went to sleep, right next to him, fully expecting him not to return the next night. Fully expecting him to walk out of my life the next morning. Well, that's not exactly what happened.

The next morning we were both pretty quiet. I wanted to fix him breakfast because he had a big test in class that morning. I wanted him to do as well as possible, even though he didn't seem to want to be with me. Well, hold up. He said it wasn't that he didn't want to be with me, he just wanted to be sure he wanted to only be with me. Anyway, he came to me in the kitchen and told me he didn't want to be without me and he was sure he wanted to be with me.

I was shocked! I couldn't believe it. I was so sure he was going to leave, but he said the thought about it all night and dreamed about it when he finally went to sleep. He said he just didn't want to stop being with me and he didn't want to be with anyone else.

So, that's were we are now. He has said we are "official" and that he's comfortable with that. He said he just doesn't want to go through the break-up thing again. I told him that we should make sure we didn't have to.

All is well in Zamunda...

2006-01-26T10:35:00.000-05:00

OK, don't act like ya'll haven't seen "Comin' to America," 'cause you know you have! :-) Seriously, though, Middle and I are back in communication and things are going fine.

While he took his break, I took mine and we both seem to be better for it... I think so, anyway. I told him how I felt about his unannounced "break" and I appreciate him for hearing me out. He didn't really like what I said, but he listened. Eventually he told me how he felt about what I said, and I listened. I think we're definitely at a point where we truly respect the feelings of the other and I think that's an important milestone.

Speaking of milestones... it was three months ago tonight that this romance officially began. Thinking back on the date, I can't remember any of the things I hear people taking about when they recall great first dates. I can't remember what he wore or what I wore, for that matter. I do remember I ordered a grilled cheese sammich and had a Long Island Iced Tea. Can't remember what he got or what he drank, BUT I can remember the conversation. In fact, I almost remember the entire conversation! See, that means I was really interested in what he had to say.... smile!

So, what did I learn from "The Break?" A few things actually. One is I don't like being left out of the loop when it comes to things that concern me. I know what you are thinking... "No one does!" and you are right, but you know how sometimes we try to act nonchalant about stuff? Well, no more of that. I didn't like not knowing why he wasn't talking to me. If he'd told me he needed some personal time, that would have cleared things up considerably. But I digress.

The next thing I learned is that I've made this man part of my daily routine and an important part of my life. My days just weren't the same without that daily connection with him. Something as simple a a text message (yes, we do that) or two everyday just makes me smile and it makes me feel desired and thought about. That's one of the things I really like about him, he makes me feel wanted and that's a good feeling.

One of the last things I learned, is that I've still got some issues I've got to deal with inside me. Some things happened while he was away and I found out one of the "issues" I thought I'd dealt with has definitely not been dealt with. By the time Middle resurfaced I was an emotional wreck but he didn't turn his back on me. He sat there on my couch and basically told me I need to get it together. He told me I need to get over this and that I needed to do it now. They sounded like harsh words then, but now they sound like good advice. He sounded like an insensitive ass when he said them, but now that I think about it, I think he said it because he cares about me and he doesn't want to see me like that again.

Having, said all of that... I think Middle and I are on a long road to lifelong happiness. It's kinda like a slow boat to China, you know? You know where you're going, you know it's going to take a heckuva long time getting there but you don't really care because you know you are on your way. Yep, that's how I feel... we're on our way!

What a girl wants...

2006-01-22T11:04:00.000-05:00

I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I want to be with someone who wants to know how I'm doing. I want to be with someone who wants to be a part of my life. Up until Saturday, I thought I had that with Middle. I thought he was generally interested in me, but I haven't talked to him in two days all because he just wanted to "take a break from the phone." Seriously, those were his words.

Why doesn't he understand that when he takes a break from the phone, that he takes a break from me? Then again maybe he does understand that. Hummm. I hadn't thought about until now. Maybe we need a break from each other. Maybe that's what he's trying to say.

Well, if that's what's going on, that's too bad. I really needed him yesterday. I had a really jacked up day and I needed to talk to him. I wanted him to reassure me, but he was taking a break. I was not happy last night and I was even more unhappy because I was not in touch with him. Maybe I should get used to that feeling. I don't know...

The beginning of something beautiful.

2006-01-20T23:21:00.000-05:00

So, Middle and I decided to see where our friendship will take us. With out much effort we've become very attached and we enjoy being around each other. Now, I think we want to find out where else our relationship can go. It's all so amazing, considering this is the first time I've considered a "serious" or "committed" relationship since at least 2000, when the last tragedy -- I mean relationship -- I was part of, and a party to, collapsed right before my eyes.

Anyway, Middle really has opened my eyes to how I should have been treated all along. See, Momma told me to wait 'cause the right one would come along... I just didn't believe her. :-) Middle has got me thinking about stuff I never thought I'd be thinking about... like love and trust. I kinda decided a while back that I just didn't want to open myself up and face the possibility of being hurt again... after the last time... and the time before that... and the time before that... and ... well, I guess you get the picture. I read somebody's post earlier in the week that said you've got to leave the past in the past, just take the lessons with you. Well, that's what I decided to do. I've taken the lessons with me, and decided to let Middle love me, if he wants to. I've decided it's OK for me to love Middle, if I want to. I'm not going to let the past toads ruin my Prince Charming experience.

Is PMS real?

2006-01-17T09:44:00.000-05:00

That might sound like a dumb question, but I'm one of those females who haven't been plagued by the mood swings and sweeping hormonal changes that I've heard others talk about... until last night.

It was bad, y'all. I think I scared Middle to death. I couldn't stop crying about dumb shit. I felt so stupid, because I didn't feel like I was making any sense and all I could do was cry. WTF?!

So, back to the question, is PMS real? Well, if I ever doubted, I guess I don't now. I mean, I guess I was already a little emotional about the whole situation between Middle and me, but I didn't expect to fall to pieces. That's the second time he's seen me cry in a week, and that's not good. The even crazier thing about it is, he didn't do anything! I just fall apart these days when I talk to him about how I feel about him. I just can't seem to get the words out, so instead I shed tears.

I really like this man -- really like this man. But I'm afraid if I don't get it together soon I'm going to run him away because he thinks I'm an emotional wreck.

I must say he was very nice to me last night, when I couldn't stop the river of water flowing from my eyes. He was very patient and he didn't get all huffy because I was having a breakdown. He just stayed with me. He wanted to know what was upsetting me, and I didn't know how to tell him what was wrong. I couldn't tell him because I didn't really know myself.

I think part of my problem is I've spent so much of my life with knuckleheads who didn't deserve my time and attention -- and of course I gave it to them even if they treated me like shyt -- but now that Middle is here and in my life I just can't believe I settled for the B.S. from before. I think I'm realizing how much the other guys were using me now that Middle is treating me like pure royalty. I think that's part of what makes me sad and I guess that leads to tears.

The another part, I think, is my own uncertainty. I think on many levels I don't know what I want for myself, as far as a relationship goes. I used to be in totally meaningless relationships just so I wouldn't be alone. I would go out -- or stay in -- with a guy just so I felt like somebody wanted to be around me... when in truth, the guy only wanted to have sex, and I knew that but didn't care because I just wanted to feel the desire of a man, even if it was only superficial. I know how bad that sounds... and I know that was a serious run-on sentence, but I just didn't feel like being grammatically correct at the moment. Anyway, once I realized I was just giving myself away, I decided to stop. Needless to say, it has been awhile since I've had sex or anything close to anything remotely related to sex.

So, when I knew how I felt about Middle, and when he told me how he felt about me I just knew it would be OK for me to let go a little bit and do a little kissing and hugging and experience the feelings that I've been without for so long. Well, I think that might be a bit too much for the actual relationship that Middle and me have. I think I would imagine that the relationship was more than it is because I wanted to feel certain things that I promised myself I wouldn't give away freely. Selfish me. Here I am thinking about what I want to feel, not considering how this is making him feel.

I can only hope I haven't done any irreparable harm to the friendship that we have. I think once I'm able to explain this to him (no, I haven't yet...) I'll feel better and he'll understand another layer of me. Maybe, I don't know....

On another note... here's another one of those quiz things that "allegedly" tells you more about yourself. This one is pretty much on point. I'm just glad it doesn't say I know how to turn off the fire in my heart.... :-)

Your Passion is Purple!

You've got a ton of passion, but you don't always wear it on your sleeve.
If something truly excites you, you let your inner intensity shine through.
But otherwise, your passion tends to morph into energy ... which you never lack.
You're a balanced woman, knowing when to turn on the fire in your heart.

What Color is Your Passion?

A bit of truth about myself...

2006-01-14T15:22:00.000-05:00

I saw this quiz on somebody else's blog and decided to take it. Funny how a computer can read me better than my mamma....

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.

You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.

At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

Fighting the feeling

2006-01-14T15:08:00.000-05:00

I've been fighting a lot of feelings here lately.
Fighting feelings at home and at work. I feel another rant coming on in the form of a poem entitled...

Denial

How long do I have to fight this feeling of uncertainty?
I mean, I've been wishy-washy on this thing for weeks now and I still haven't committed to a decision. I haven't committed to a daymn thing, but I don't have commitment issues.

How long do I have to fight the feeling that I'm in love?
I mean, it's been a long time since I've really wanted to trust a man with all that is me, but I don't know if I'm ready to do it. How do I know I should trust this one? But hey, at least I don't have trust issues.

How long do I have to fight this feeling of being frightened?
I mean, the future is so unsure and you never know what's around the corner. What happens if I make the wrong decision? But you know me, I ain't scared.

How long will I keep fighting this mental game of deception?
I mean, let's face it. I do have commitment issues, trust issues and I am scared. When will I come out of my denial?

True Beauty

2006-01-09T14:54:00.000-05:00

I've found myself enjoying life more,
And maybe it’s because I'm happier more often.
Even when things aren't going just right,
I still find that there's a silver lining.
Sometimes the lining finds me,
And sometimes I find it.
But regardless of who finds whom,
I always find that the true silver lining is you.

I've been feeling a bit poetic these days. I'm not really a poet, per se, but I do write for a living so I generally know how to put words together. **smile** So, I was going to blog about the latest painting Middle gave me, but the poem is what came out first.

Anyway, the painting he gave me Friday night is a true testament to the phrase, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." He gave me a painting of me. Not a portrait, but something better. The way I see it, he gave me what he sees when he looks at me.

The woman in the painting does resemble me. She has the small mole under my left eye and she has my carefully arched eyebrows. What he captured, that I don't see in the mirror everyday, is an inner beauty. The way he drew my face, with the rounded lines and shades of brown, renders the woman in the panting absolutely stunning to me. She is a vision in lavender (that's the dominant color in the painting). She is beautiful.

He looked at us, the painting and me, side by side and he smiled at his work. He said he'd been working on it for weeks. He said he did it from memory. (Note to readers: He didn't get a picture of me until Saturday night.)

My point is, if the people you surround yourself with could draw or paint, and they decided to draw or paint you, what would the final picture look like? Would the artist remember our inner beauty or would the inner ugliness flood their mind's eye?

His gift has made me think more about how I come across to other people. It has made me think about how I interact with people and what I give them to remember. What they choose to remember is not up to me, but if I act like the Christian woman I claim to be, I will have held up my end of the bargain.

Another "At Work" entry...

2006-01-06T14:32:00.000-05:00

So, I'm sitting in a restaurant waiting for the woman I'm meeting for lunch and I can't -- and I mean can't -- stop thinking about Middle. I tried to, but I couldn't and so, I penned the following poem.

For You

Sitting.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Wishing.
Wanting.
Needing.
Believing.
Knowing.
Understanding.
Overstanding.
Crying.
Laughing.
Smiling.
Frowning.
Realizing.
Forgetting.
Remembering.
And it's all for you.

New thoughts for the new year.

2006-01-02T23:01:00.000-05:00

I've never done the New Year's resolution thing. I'm just not into making promises, or random statements, that I'm just not going to follow through on. What I do, however, is decide what part of my life I want to focus on from month-to-month and day-to-day. The only thing I'm going to change about that in this new year is to create one overall objective. This year I will be happy. Regardless of what happens around me, I will find a reason to smile. I will find a reason to praise the Lord. I will rejoice. This is something I'm going to make a year-long focus.

I decided this would be my focus on New Year's Eve while I was sitting on my couch with Middle. We were talking about something and some how we got to talking about what I enjoyed about our relationship. I told him I was having fun in our relationship, and it's the truth. I really am having a blast. Not because everything is peachy (well, OK, everything really is peachy right now.) but because this is one of the first times the man I'm interested in wants me to be me. He doesn't want me to tone down or change anything about me. He likes me the way I am.

So, to that end, I am going to apply the same energy I put into my relationship with Middle into other things in my life. What does this mean? Well, it means I've got to strengthen my relationship with God, my Creator. Before I met Middle on that first blind-date, I prayed. I prayed that God would show me the man he wanted me to see and that the man would see the woman God wanted him to see. Seems to me if I prayed a similar prayer before work or before I do anything, I just might get a different result than I've been getting. If I start praying, "Lord, let me be the woman you want me to be," before I set foot in the office, who knows what could happen?

I still pray before I go out with Middle, that God continue to open our eyes to each other, and now I'll do the same for other important things in my life.

Happy New Year!

What's next?

2005-12-27T22:38:00.000-05:00

OK, so Middle and I made it through Christmas and now New Year's is around the corner. What's next? What's next for us in 2006? If the good Lord is willing, Middle and I will bring in the New Year together, but I'm not sure where.

See, the only thing we're not on the "same page" about is church. We're in the same book (we're both believers in God) but we're not in the same chapter (I go to services weekly and he hasn't been in several weeks). I normally go to church to "pray in the new year." I can't think of many years, even when I was in college, that I didn't go to church on New Year's. I guess my thought is/was I can get that last bit of forgiveness for the dirt I did back in 2005 and start 2006 off right... at least until I get in the parking lot and start cussing because traffic is screwed up! **smilling and shrugging shoulders**

So, I kinda asked Middle if he'd go to church with me for that hour between 11 p.m. and midnight. The good news: He didn't say no. The not-so-good news: He didn't say yes.

I don't think he's gonna wanna go, but I do. Can I go without him and still have a good time earlier in the night? I guess, but that's not what I want to do. When I kinda asked him to go with me, he replied, "I guess you are trying to 'save' me, or something." and I said, "No, I'm trying to save me. I just want you to be there with me." And really, that's the truth. I'm not trying to save him, because I know I can't. Only he can save himself. I just want him there with me, while I'm saving myself.

I really enjoy having this man around. I like being able to look over at him and just smile. I'd love to look over at him in church and know that this is something we're doing together. I'd even be willing to go to another church with him, if things got that serious, if he found one he really liked.

"Why is church such a big deal to you?" he asked me one day. "Because it serves as my spiritual gas station and moral courtroom all at the same time," I replied. I told him I could go to church on Sunday and get ready for the coming week and fix some of the things I did wrong last week as well. I don't know if he understood that.

If you are wondering, I grew up Baptist and Middle grew up Catholic. I'm not sure that has anything to do with his current attitude towards the church, but I'm not sure that it doesn't either.

I really want to spend New Year's with him, but I'd enjoy it sooooo much more if one hour of it could be spent in church... with us praying for each other. Then again, maybe we don't have to go to church to do that on New Year's.

Up close and personal

2005-12-22T16:02:00.000-05:00

This Christmas has already been a historical one, and the big day isn't even here yet. What about that? For the first time in my life I actually exchanged gifts with the guy I've been going out with. Amazing! I mean I've given gifts on a few occasions, but I've never gotten one in return. What made this Christmas even more historic was the fact that the gift he gave me was soooooo personal and very appropriate all at the same time.

If you've been reading the blog you kinda know "our story." Here's a recap... with some new information not in the older posts.

We met in a sort of blind-date situation. I know his older brother, you see. For blog purposes he will be identified as "Older." I happened to ask Older if he had any single brothers he could hook me up with. He said he'd check into it, and eventually got back to me with the name of his younger brother -- but not the youngest, I might add. For the sake of order, this brother will be identified as "Middle."

Older and Middle met and had their "Brotherman Conference," as I like to call it, and Middle decided he'd go out with me, based on what Older told him. So, Middle and I met in late October at a spot not far from my company's main office, and things have been moving ahead ever since.

Somewhere along the way we started talking everyday, and text messaging each other damn near all day. So, by Thanksgiving we were really talking on a regular and he had come to visit me at the crib a time or two. Oh, by the way, Middle lives about two hours away from me, so going out isn't a daily option 'lessen somebody wants to do a heck of a lot of driving! But, I digress.

So, I had decided just after Thanksgiving that I wanted to get him a "token" for Christmas, if to say nothing else than, "I'm thinking about you." I decided to get him a gift because I'd decided loooooonnnnngggg before Thanksgiving that I really liked him. He gave me fair warning that he really didn't get into the gift thing, and I told him that was fine, 'cause I don't give gifts just because someone gave one to me. I will give them a "Thank You" card, to express my gratitude, but I'm just not down for "obligatory giving." Anyway, I really wasn't sure how much he was feeling me anyway, so I really didn't expect anything, since we would have only been going out for two months by the time Christmas rolled around.

So, I went to see him last weekend and we went to dinner and to see King Kong (see the "Perfect. Period." entry for more details) and that's when I gave him what I got for him. Why so early, you might ask? Well, with our work schedules I wasn't sure if I'd see him again before Christmas. Sooooo, he graciously accepted the box and two greeting cards with a genuine amount of surprise. He did not, however say anything about reciprocating. Hold up, wait a minute! To be fair, Middle did say he, "might make a contribution" to my Christmas tree the last time he was at my apartment, but that could have meant an ornament... ya' know?

Annnyyyway, earlier this week we discussed him coming to my crib for a visit, and possibly dinner. We decided on Wednesday, but little did I know that wasn't going to be a good day for me. On Tuesday I was diagnosed with The Crud!! (ominous music plays in the background...) I had bronchitis, ya'll. I couldn't believe it. I had no voice, and what little voice I had made me sound like a man... or, as Middle so aptly pointed out, that I'd been eating crushed glass. Guess what though? He came anyway! I tell you he showed up with concern in his eyes and mobility in his limbs. I didn't have to get up from my nesting area on my couch for anything as long as he was there. (crowd: aaaaawwwww!)

Somewhere in the evening a large thin package was placed behind my Christmas tree. Humm... wonder where that came from. I guess this would be a good time to tell you that Middle is an artist, and I'd been asking him to see some of his work. As I looked at the package... the very large package... I just couldn't imagine that he would give me one of his masterpieces. So, the night wore on, and I was wearing out and he said, "There's something over there for you." And I played along. "For me?" I asked. So, I rose from my perch on the couch and sauntered over to the package. What I unwrapped almost brought me to tears. He gave me Malone Jones.

You don't know Malone Jones? Well, that's OK, 'cause I didn't know him either until he was sitting in my living room. Malone is a trumpet player that Middle created in a beautiful painting. With the frame and all -- yes, he framed it too -- the picture is almost 3 feet tall, if not more. I'd guess it's about 2 feet wide and has the most beautiful and vibrant colors. In the picture Malone is doing his thing on the trumpet in his B-Boy stance.

After I had opened it, stared at it, stared at him and then back at the painting, Middle looks at me and says, "I told you I'm not good at giving gifts." I looked at him and said, "From where I;m sitting, you are great with giving gifts!"

For an artists to give one of his pieces away takes a lot. For Middle to give one of his pieces to me renders me speechless. (OK, obviously not speechless, since this post is getting hella long, but you know what I mean!) It was such a personal gift that he chose to share with me. It was such a private thought that he put in my hands. How will I ever thank him for getting so up close and personal?

Don't mind me, I'm just rambling.

2005-12-18T15:45:00.000-05:00

When I can't sleep, I think.
When I can't think, I ramble.
I'm rambling today.

I can't focus on a single thought and my mind is all over the place.
I have so much to say, but it's not coming out in any logical order.
There's so much on my mind, the thoughts are wrestling with each other.

I know why this is happening.
There's something I need to do.
There's something I need to say.
But I can't.
I'm not ready.

How do you know when you are ready to do something? To say something.
To say something that has the potential to change lives.
Something that has the ability do draw people near or to push them away.
How do you know?

I just know I'm not ready, but the thought is killing me.
It is heavy on my shoulders, the thought I mean.
Weighing me down like a ton of bricks.

Not only am I not ready, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid and I'm rambling.

I'm afraid that what I have to say won't be accepted and will become destructive.
They are not destructive words, understand, but cities have been leveled because of them.
Empires crushed.
Lives lost.

I just can't do it. I can't say it.
I will continue to ramble until the time is right.

Me and John Legend...

2005-12-11T21:42:00.000-05:00

I've been keeping a private blog about someone special to me. Last night while we were hanging out, he asked me to tell him something about myself he didn't already know. (We have a habit of doing that) So, after I answered him I asked the same of him. The exchange went a little like this:

Him: You know who John Legend is, right?
Me: Yes, I do.
Him: You know his most popular song?
Me: I know it, but I can't think of it.
Him: You know how it goes?
Me: I can't think of it right now. How does it go?
Him: It says "take it slow."
Me: Oh, I get it.
Him: Do you?
Me: Yeah, I get it.

Now, I thought that was pretty obvious, but I asked him about it today and he said there was "a second meaning" behind his words. He said he "just wanted to let me know," but he didn't exactly say what he wanted to let me know. Now I can assume all kinds of things from the lyrics of the song, but I'd rather him tell me.
Am I wrong for this? Am I?

Potted plants or fresh flowers?

2005-12-07T16:09:00.000-05:00

I was reading another blog on another site and the question of the post was "What's the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone?" My answer lies in plant life. :-)

I've loved someone (once long, long ago) and I've been in love (several times and not too terribly long ago). The difference for me is the depth of the relationships, which is why I turn to plants. Potted plants -- green plants, some call them -- are my metaphor for love. Why? Because they have a root system and you have to encourage them to grow. Yes, they want to grow as a natural reflex, but they need help. They need water and light to make it happen and they depend on someone (or something, if you count nature) to provide it for them. That's kinda what love is to me, something that grows by its very nature, but needs help from someone else (a very special someone) to make it happen or else it will die.

Now as for being in love... well, to me it's like getting a beautiful arrangement of fresh flowers. Ladies, you know the feeling you get when your significant other sends you flowers at work? Be it your birthday, Valentine's Day or just a daymn-you-were-good-last-night kind of thing... but the point is, you get the flowers and you can't get over how beautifully arranged they are and the pretty colors and you just can't stop smiling at them and smelling them and looking at them. They have all of your attention at that moment, BUT after a week or so, after they've died and all you have left is a vase (if you kept it) that's it. The bouquet can't keep living, even with sunlight and water, because they have not root system. They have no base, so to speak. They have nothing to cling too. So goes being in love, in my opinion.

For me being in love was a fleeting experience. Meaningful, but fleeting. It didn't last that long (a few weeks or months maybe) and when it was over I almost forgot it ever happened. I mean I can recall their names and what I liked about them, but I didn't fall apart when they faded away. The man I loved, however, I still love, but I just realize we were never EVER supposed to be together. I don't know if you ever stop loving the people you once loved, but I do think it is possible to compartmentalize love. For me I just put that guy in another place in my heart.

In instances like this I also think about my parents, who have been divorced for at least 15 years. I know my Mom still loves my Dad, but she's also remarried and loves her husband. The love she has for Dad is waaaaayyyyy different than the love she has for her current husband.
The way my love-thing fell apart back in 2000 was so jacked up that I thought I'd lost the compassion that love requires. I thought I'd lost the patience that love requires. I thought I'd lost everything love requires. And yes, love requires a lot from us. I believe that wholeheartedly. Back to my plant theory... you plant a seed and the picture on the package will grow if, and only if, you follow the directions on the package. The seed won't grow by accident. Weeds grow by default, not plants.

Back to what I lost... I was so damaged -- and I think you are hurt (i.e. bruised) when a person you are truly in love with moves on, but I think you can be wounded (i.e. shot or stabbed) when love dissipates -- but I was so damaged back in 2000 I was just not sure I'd even want to think about doing the things that love required of me. To think about wanting to get close to a man was beyond my comprehension for a long time and parts of it still evade me.

Where I find myself now is wanting to be close to a man, a particular man, but I'm afraid to really open up again. I'm just not sure how that's going to work out if I do it again.
I know what you're thinking... that you never know, and you are right and I know that. :-) My rationale is, however, that if I knew how it was going to work out I'd be more eager (or not) to open up. But if I knew all of that it really wouldn't be love, would it?

Keeping hope alive...

2005-12-06T15:56:00.000-05:00

It's really more about keeping me awake, but it's getting to be as challenging as keeping hope alive. I'm sitting here at work and it's almost 4 p.m. and I'm nodding off here at my desk. It's all my fault really. I entertained company for far too long last night and I didn't get as much sleep as I usually do.
I slept well, but there just wasn't much sleep to be had since it was after 1 a.m. when I seriously began to try to fall asleep, and then I couldn't! So, I'm blogging to stay wake... this is sooooo sad, but last night was well worth it!
I made dinner for a friend last night and then we watched the Philly Eagles disintegrate before our very eyes. The food was off tha' chain. It was supposed to be steak with mashed potatoes and broccoli. It turned into steak and eggs with biscuits, and boy was it good! I guess I'll save the mashed potatoes and cornbread for another meal.
The guy I was cooking for is a good guy. I like him. I obviously like him enough to cook for him -- more than once. Yes, I've cooked for him on two other occasions. Well, actually one other occasion. He came over a week or so before Thanksgiving (by that time we'd been "in conversation" for over a month and we'd been out twice) and I was supposed to prepare dinner but a bad day at work produced a catered meal. He loved it, though so no harm no foul. (And yes, I told him I didn't make the food.) The next morning, however, I did make him breakfast. Yes, he stayed over but it's not what you think, trust me. He stayed in my guest bedroom and he didn't come out until morning -- and I know because I kept watch! :-) OK, I didn't exactly have a surveillance team on the job, but I'm a light sleeper and I would have heard him creeping across the apartment. But I digress...
So, he really enjoyed breakfast, but I was looking forward to flexing a little more of my culinary muscle. Last night was that chance. He watched me take a raw steak and prepare it to perfection and then the eggs... oh the eggs! Let me stop here and say, not everyone can properly prepare cheese eggs -- unless you've ever worked at a Waffle House. Some folks eggs just end up looking like a science project, but not mine. They were beautiful! He was still talking about that meal earlier today.
The lesson: Ladies, learn how to cook without using a microwave!! ;-)

What I want in a man...

2005-12-02T21:29:00.000-05:00

Since I've joined this site I've been reading other folks' blogs. Some of the entries were funny and others extremely serious. It hit me that these are two qualities that I want in a man. In some respects I want him to be like a blog (don't laugh...) and by that I mean I want him to be flexible (as I should be with him) and be able to take the funny and the serious sides of me. Does that make sense to anyone else?
I wrote in one of my personal journals that I want a mental relationship with a man. I wondered what I was thinking when I wrote that back in 1997. As I continued to read that entry I discovered that I was talking about a man who was more interested in getting to know what's between my ears (the brain) than what's filling out my bra or what is between my legs (I think we all know what those things are... :-D) So anyway, I began thinking if I actually carried myself in that way. How do I come off to men? How do I present myself to men? That became the core of the issue for me.
I think I've done much better in the last couple of years with the presentation factor, but I can think of some times that I was totally in the wrong for the way I put myself out there.
I recently met a man who has captured my attention. This is one time I feel like I presented myself correctly the first time around. I think when he looks at me he sees a lady and not an easy lay. Eventhough we don't know each other, biblically speaking, we still have a lot of fun just hanging out. I think this is what I was trying to get at back in '97, but I wasn't doing my part to make it happen. I was putting myself out there, not my mind.
I've been trying to stress to a couple of young girls I tutor the importance of dignity and respect. They don't understand that the clothes that they wear and the way they put themselves out there is what gets them called "biotch" and "hoe" (nobody actually says "whore" but your momma when she's mad at you and trying to make a point, right?)
Anyway, I'm gonna climb down offa my soap box now. :-) I just hope those girls wake up and realize videos are fiction and in real life you can hardly expect a man to be interested in your mind when your ass and titties are hanging out for all to see.
Peace!

Are you lonely tonight?

2005-11-29T18:45:00.000-05:00

I am lonely. At least I think it is loneliness that I feel. I have made a couple of friends since moving to the area, but not all of them could help me today. This feeling I have is not new. I've had it, off and on, for a few years. Actually I've had it since January 2000, when I walked out on, and gave up on, love.
What happened? Well, the condensed version is that I spent four years with a guy and it all ended in one night, complete with an ugly scene in his living room and me crying while storming out of his front door.
The one thing I really remember about those four years, and what I miss most, is the intimacy. There wasn't always sex but there was always -- well until the end anyway -- intimacy. I think he didn't understand, no I know he didn't understand intimacy the way I did. We'd watch movies together, sports games or just talk about our lives. We'd be playing with each other's hair, or hands or something the whole time. To me that's the ultimate form of intimacy -- a physical connection with your clothes on.
I'm really not a big fan of the actual sex act. I'm not saying I don't have sex and I'm not saying I don't like sex, but there is something I like more and that brings me more pleasure. There is something else that makes me feel really good and that I can't do myself. It is the act of a man touching my hair, or my arms or any part of my body. For a man, especially one I really like, to put his hands on me in a deliberate way is a complete turn on for me. My theory is that any two people can have sex, but only a few people can truly be intimate with each other. My loneliness is the result of my lack of intimacy.
It's been awhile since I've wanted a man to touch me like this, and maybe that's why it hasn't happened. I have intentionally stayed away from relationships and anything kin to them. I've stopped short of getting excited about any thing related to romance, but I'm tired of doing that now. It has been hard work, being cold-hearted I mean. Acting like I didn't care about relationships or guys being interested in me hasn't been easy, but I did it because I thought it would make me stronger. Instead it made me lonelier.
So now, I am lonely and it’s all my fault.
The truth is I do care about relationships and I do want a man to like me and maybe even love me one day. I do want to feel a mans hands on my shoulders, but I don't know how to get that now. I'm worried that I'm so intimacy-starved I'll frighten away the first man who comes along. I'm really worried.

Giving Thanks...

2005-11-27T19:24:00.000-05:00

So I spent the last few days at home with the family for Thanksgiving. It's the second time I've been back home since I moved more than 700 miles away in June. The visit was OK, and I really don't have any complaints.
I was happy most of the time, which is a departure from the norm when I'm around my siblings. I'm usually upstaged by their accomplishments and what not -- but that didn't seem to be the case this time. I did realize this weekend, however, that I still have some of my "issues" regarding my weight and my physical appearance.
I've lost some weight since most folks saw me in June when I left. Not a lot of weight, but a lot of women at church commented on how good I looked today. Under most circumstances this would be a good thing, but I started to feel like I must have looked horrible before I left. The way they kept on gushing about how good I looked made me totally paranoid about what I used to look like. Was I that unattractive?
When I was younger, my mom used to tell me no man would want me because I was overweight. I know, that was harsh -- and trust me it hurt to hear. Over time she amended the statement to, "the type of man you want to be interested in you won't be attracted to you because of your weight." Well, let me tell you, that didn't help much either. This is partly why these types of holidays are so hard for me 1.) because I'm still single and I never have a companion for family outings like my brothers do (one is married and the other is single and has lots of lady friends) and 2.) because there's food everywhere and I just know my mother is watching my plate ready to make a weight-related comment based on what's on the plate.
I thought I was OK with my size, and for the most part I think I am, but some days I look at myself and wonder if any man will ever want -- I mean really want -- to see me in some cute lingerie or even (heaven forbid) naked.
See, sometimes I wonder if I'm single because of my weight. I've been told my face is pretty, but the rest of me could use a little work. (I'm not kidding, I've actually been told that.) Take this weekend for instance, I was home and there were a couple of single guys that I've known for awhile who acted as if they wanted to see me while I was home. I was naturally skeptical, in part because before I left these same two characters seemed to be only interested in sex... but I digress. Anyway, one of them I never heard from after I arrived in town on Wednesday afternoon. He said he might come to where ever I was staying for a visit. When I explained that I'd be staying at my dad's house and that I'd rather go out, he didn't seem too keen on that idea... and I haven't heard from him since. The other one was worse. The other guy only wanted to see me at my dad's house and when my dad wasn't around. WTF?! Just say you want some ass, why don't you! He called, off and on, for a couple of days and I finally just started ignoring him.
My only saving grace in the man department was a few late-night phone calls from a new friend I met a little over a month ago. He was visiting his brother in Jersey and we talked a little at night after our respective hosts had gone to bed. I kinda like this guy. He's different, in a good and very important way.

I don't know why I shared all of that, but there it is and I wouldn't be true to myself and what I'm really feeling if I were to take any of it out. That's all for now...

While at work...

2005-11-22T12:54:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wanted to do something soooo bad, but you know the timing is all wrong, but on some level you don't really care that the timing is wrong, you just want to do it? Yes? No? Well, that's where I am right now, that's my address and that's where I've set up shop.
I had a dream last night that I've never had before (yes, I dream the same dreams over from time to time, but with diffeent casts of characters and yes, I dream in color...) and it really freaked me out. The thing that's really freaking me out is this dream's cast. There were some people in this dream that I've never dreamed about before. There was one person inpaticular who was in the dreamm and I want to tell them that they were in my dream and what they were doing but I KNOW that would freak them out. Well, I should say I'm pretty sure it would freak them out.
Timing. It's all about timing. Why'd I have to have this dream now? Why?

First Thoughts...

2005-11-20T21:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I never thought I'd be a blogger, but here I am. I got the idea from a friend of mine who has a blog, and after reading his first entry I decided to give it a try.
I've been keeping a journal for more than 10 years, but nobody's ever read it. I'm a writer, hence my name - Ms. Write. I know some people might think it is a vanity thing, but it's more about my love for my job.
I guess I'll end this for now. I'll be back later.